the road to healing...

This is a part of my journey I didn't expect. The needing healing part...
But I do. I am in desperate need of Restoration. For the first time in my life I am coming face to face with the giant pains and broken parts of my heart and life. I want to live forgiven and I want to forgive so that I may live. I do not want to be enslaved to the lies inside of my head and heart, my insecurities, and self-hatred. I want to live as a daughter of the King. It hurts so very much but I am clinging to His promises.

But I will RESTORE you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord, because you are called an outcast Zion for whom no one cares. -Jeremiah 30:17

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of despair! - Isaiah 61:1-3

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Through this process I am in the Word, but also using Beth Moore's "So long Insecurity" and Staci and John Eldridge "Captivating". I have also started a healing journal. I am using it as a place to walk along this road leaving bad feelings and messages behind but having a place to release them while I gain new growth, knowledge, comfort, and love.
In Captivating the basic process I have come to see is:

1) Turn from the ways I have sought to save myself. Giving it to God. Allowing Him to come in and heal me and to stop turning to other things. God wants me to run to Him.
"Wherever it is we have sought life apart from Him, He disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which isn't a way at all." Will I allow God to heal me?

2) Renounce the agreements I have made inside myself. Renounce the Lies. And Remember the words from the Spirit of Truth.
- Gosh this one is soooo hard for me! Those lies and messages are burried so deeply within me...more than I ever realized. Why is it easier to believe that I am worthless and unlovable, than to believe that I am captivating and the crown of creation and worthy to be pursued and loved? And no matter how many times I read it or say it to myself it is still a wall up inside. This will be an ongoing battle in the battlefield of my mind.

3) Allow myself to Cry. Release. Anger is ok..it is not a sin. Remorse and Fear are normal. The
comfort I find is that NO emotion I bring is too much for God to handle.
- "Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. I mattered."

4) ForGive.
-"Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling. Feelings take time to heal after the choice is made."
- "Forgiveness says: It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."
-This is another hard one. I want to forgive so much. I Do not want bitterness to set its roots in me and overcome my spirit. But those feelings of anger and hurt come up again and again even after you choose to forgive...I'm still working through this one. But I do Desire to Forgive. I have NO right not to. Christ forgave me. And...... No occassion justifies hatred, no injustice warrants bitterness.. I choose love.

3.31.10 Surrounded by laughter.

baby.dolly parton. MM. robo-boot. my country girl. barbara walters. ms. sweet. baby-cakes. mama.

dancing in the kitchen in the middle of the night.

Hot Rod and coffee-table pong.

silly faces.

crazy dances.

indoor pool training.

wrestling matches.

jiu-jitsu 101.