I have many New Years Resolutions and Goals for 2010.
- I want to read 2 books a month.
- I want to be diligent and consistent with my daily devotions and going to church every week.
- I want to do a 365 project. Where I take one photo every single day of the year..either self portrait or not.
- I want to stop cussing ALL together.
- I want to run a 5K and then go from there... :)
- I want to sell one house! ( I am a brand new ISA for Nouveau Riche! A real estate investor starting today! 12/31/09)
- I want to learn to cook.
- Dance MORE.
-Maybe move...
- Start my career job.
I want to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone. To dream HUGE and make those dreams a reality. I want to be a better person...More loving, faithful, unselfish, reflecting the image of my Christ. I want to share Christ with others more. I want to travel more. Stop wishing and actually make things happen. I want to conquer my fears and insecurities. Basically start this year with a huge boom! To live with no regrets. I will take it one moment at a time.... and try to live in this:
Everyday is a CHOICE! With God's grace, may we all make the right ones...
I CHOOSE LOVE…
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.Today I will love God and what God loves.
I CHOOSE JOY…
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker.
I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God.
I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PEACE…
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE…
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so.
Rather than complain that the wait is too long,
I will thank God for a moment to pray.
Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments,
I will face them with joy and courage.
I CHOOSE KINDNESS…
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I CHOOSE GOODNESS…
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one.
I will be overlooked before I will boast.
I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.
I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS…
Today I will keep my promises.My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word.
My wife will not question my love.
And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.
I CHOOSE GENTLENESS…
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise.If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer.If I make a demand, may it only be of myself.
I am a spiritual being…After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal.I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy.I will be impassioned only by my faith.I will be influenced only by God.I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
To these I commit my day.If I succeed, I will give thanks.If I fail, I will seek His grace.And then, when this day is done,I will place my head on my pillow and rest.
(Max Lucado)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2009.
1) What did you do in 2009 that you had never done before?
-participated in a sprint triathlon
-created a ceramic mug
-started a blog :)
-stayed on a consistent workout schedule
-visited the Sears tower
-ate seafood! (and even liked some of it :) )
-Ran more than a mile at one time
-Learn to bake. cook.
2) Did you keep your New Years Resolution? And will you make one this year?
-Um..well I obviously didn't keep it because I don't even remember what it was! That is really bad. But this year-Yes!- I am making many resolutions and soooo excited to achieve them! I will write about them in the next post as this one will be very long as it is.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
-Lydia Hirsh Easling. and more I am forgetting... :-/
-New prego moms...Marybeth Franklin. Katie Coverstone. Jessica Johnson. Erin O'Donnell.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
-Sadly, there were many deaths this year.
-Ron Thorman
- Michael Boyd
-3 unborn babies of friends
- Michael Jackson "The King of Pop"
5) What countries did you visit?
-New Years last year my family and I took a cruise to Nassau Bahamas to celebrate my graduation! It was amazing!!!!
6) What would you like to have in 2010 that you did not have in 2009?
- A REAL job. A career job with benefits!
-A new car.
- More time and money to TRAVEL
7) What dates from 2009 will remain etched in your memory and why?
-May 9th: the day my love drove away with my baby sitting beside him. Joey & Bently moved to Chicago.
-August 7th: the sad day Michael Boyd died.
8) What was your biggest achievement for the year?
-Loving throughout trials.
-Physical goals met and limits pushed.
9) What was your biggest failure?
-Not being faithful to God. Not keeping Him as my first love and spending everyday with Him in scripture and thought and word.
-Not keeping up with old friends.
10) Did you suffer from illness or injury?
-I got REALLY sick and was out of work for about a week and a half.
11) What was the best thing you bought?11
-hmm..I don't really remember. Material things just don't mean a lot to me.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
- None come to mind.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
- The Balloon man- fame scam.
-Chris Brown- beating Rihanna
14) Where did most of your money go?
-hm bills. MY CAR. dates. plane tickets.
15) What did you get really excited about?
- Going to Chicago in the summer for the first time to see Joey!
16) What song will remind you of 2009?
-Love in this club & Chris Browns Forever
17) Compared to this time last yr. are you:
-happier or sadder? i think right in the middle.
-thinner or fatter? thinner
-richer or poorer? richer (just a little.. i've been saving)
18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
- dance and laugh. and daily devotions.
19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
-complain, fight, cuss.
20) How did you spend Christmas?
- At home with my family and Julio. Christmas Eve we went to Church of the Apostles.
But Thanksgiving I spent in Chicago with Joey and his family.
21) Did you fall in love?
- I have been falling in love for 2 years now and yes I continue to fall. As well as learn a lot about love. The ups and downs..the meaning of unconditional.
22) What was your favorite TV program?
- I have 3! Which is huge for me because I never watch shows regularly but thanks to tivo this year I did! Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, and One Tree Hill :)
23) Do you hate anyone this year that you didn't last year?
- I am working on this. I don't want to hate* anyone. Even enemies I should love. But the two people I have felt the strongest negative emotions for in my entire life are Molly and Olivia.
24) What was the best book you read?
- Love walked in. Ohh and the Twilight series!
25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
-Sam Tsui
26) What did you want and get?
- An ipod.
27) What did you want and not get?
- A new car.
28) What was your favorite film this year?
-P.S. i love you. and Slum dog Millionaire
29) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
- Joey came to town for my birthday. We and a bunch of friends ( I have such wonderful and diverse friends) all went to eat dinner at Bahama Breeze and then went dancing down at Sutra lounge.
30) What one thing would have made you immeasurably more satisfied?
-A more consistent daily walk with my God. Making that my life goal and purpose.
31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
-Hm i dunno about this. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what "My style" actually is :)
32) What kept you sane?
-GoD. And my little Bently. Cooking/Baking..(this is a new one :) )
33) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy?
-I don't fancy the famous too much. They are just regular people that have achieved their goals and dreams and if I waste my time consumed..or excuse me "fancying" them then I will never become one of those few who do achieve their goals and dreams.
34) What political issues stirred you the most?
-The health care issues. The rapid increase in abortion support with Obama as our leader. It breaks my heart and drives me insane how ignorant my countrymen are and how willing they are to kill millions of lives.
35) Who did you miss?
- Brian Turner, Victoria Horne, Sarah Lester. Ryan Peebles. Michael Boyd.
36) Who is the best new person you met?
- Well I think I would rather answer this as who did I get to know better and get closer to? :) My bestie Dwane. My prayer warrior Maxwell.
37) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned.
- Well I wrote a list...I will do a later post on it.
38) Quote a song lyric that sums up the year
-participated in a sprint triathlon
-created a ceramic mug
-started a blog :)
-stayed on a consistent workout schedule
-visited the Sears tower
-ate seafood! (and even liked some of it :) )
-Ran more than a mile at one time
-Learn to bake. cook.
2) Did you keep your New Years Resolution? And will you make one this year?
-Um..well I obviously didn't keep it because I don't even remember what it was! That is really bad. But this year-Yes!- I am making many resolutions and soooo excited to achieve them! I will write about them in the next post as this one will be very long as it is.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
-Lydia Hirsh Easling. and more I am forgetting... :-/
-New prego moms...Marybeth Franklin. Katie Coverstone. Jessica Johnson. Erin O'Donnell.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
-Sadly, there were many deaths this year.
-Ron Thorman
- Michael Boyd
-3 unborn babies of friends
- Michael Jackson "The King of Pop"
5) What countries did you visit?
-New Years last year my family and I took a cruise to Nassau Bahamas to celebrate my graduation! It was amazing!!!!
6) What would you like to have in 2010 that you did not have in 2009?
- A REAL job. A career job with benefits!
-A new car.
- More time and money to TRAVEL
7) What dates from 2009 will remain etched in your memory and why?
-May 9th: the day my love drove away with my baby sitting beside him. Joey & Bently moved to Chicago.
-August 7th: the sad day Michael Boyd died.
8) What was your biggest achievement for the year?
-Loving throughout trials.
-Physical goals met and limits pushed.
9) What was your biggest failure?
-Not being faithful to God. Not keeping Him as my first love and spending everyday with Him in scripture and thought and word.
-Not keeping up with old friends.
10) Did you suffer from illness or injury?
-I got REALLY sick and was out of work for about a week and a half.
11) What was the best thing you bought?11
-hmm..I don't really remember. Material things just don't mean a lot to me.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
- None come to mind.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
- The Balloon man- fame scam.
-Chris Brown- beating Rihanna
14) Where did most of your money go?
-hm bills. MY CAR. dates. plane tickets.
15) What did you get really excited about?
- Going to Chicago in the summer for the first time to see Joey!
16) What song will remind you of 2009?
-Love in this club & Chris Browns Forever
17) Compared to this time last yr. are you:
-happier or sadder? i think right in the middle.
-thinner or fatter? thinner
-richer or poorer? richer (just a little.. i've been saving)
18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
- dance and laugh. and daily devotions.
19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
-complain, fight, cuss.
20) How did you spend Christmas?
- At home with my family and Julio. Christmas Eve we went to Church of the Apostles.
But Thanksgiving I spent in Chicago with Joey and his family.
21) Did you fall in love?
- I have been falling in love for 2 years now and yes I continue to fall. As well as learn a lot about love. The ups and downs..the meaning of unconditional.
22) What was your favorite TV program?
- I have 3! Which is huge for me because I never watch shows regularly but thanks to tivo this year I did! Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, and One Tree Hill :)
23) Do you hate anyone this year that you didn't last year?
- I am working on this. I don't want to hate* anyone. Even enemies I should love. But the two people I have felt the strongest negative emotions for in my entire life are Molly and Olivia.
24) What was the best book you read?
- Love walked in. Ohh and the Twilight series!
25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
-Sam Tsui
26) What did you want and get?
- An ipod.
27) What did you want and not get?
- A new car.
28) What was your favorite film this year?
-P.S. i love you. and Slum dog Millionaire
29) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
- Joey came to town for my birthday. We and a bunch of friends ( I have such wonderful and diverse friends) all went to eat dinner at Bahama Breeze and then went dancing down at Sutra lounge.
30) What one thing would have made you immeasurably more satisfied?
-A more consistent daily walk with my God. Making that my life goal and purpose.
31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
-Hm i dunno about this. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what "My style" actually is :)
32) What kept you sane?
-GoD. And my little Bently. Cooking/Baking..(this is a new one :) )
33) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy?
-I don't fancy the famous too much. They are just regular people that have achieved their goals and dreams and if I waste my time consumed..or excuse me "fancying" them then I will never become one of those few who do achieve their goals and dreams.
34) What political issues stirred you the most?
-The health care issues. The rapid increase in abortion support with Obama as our leader. It breaks my heart and drives me insane how ignorant my countrymen are and how willing they are to kill millions of lives.
35) Who did you miss?
- Brian Turner, Victoria Horne, Sarah Lester. Ryan Peebles. Michael Boyd.
36) Who is the best new person you met?
- Well I think I would rather answer this as who did I get to know better and get closer to? :) My bestie Dwane. My prayer warrior Maxwell.
37) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned.
- Well I wrote a list...I will do a later post on it.
38) Quote a song lyric that sums up the year
Saturday, December 26, 2009
magic.
Majesty had come down, Glory had succumbed now to flesh and bone In the arms of a manger In the hands of strangers that could not know Just who they hold
And the angels filled the sky All of heaven wondered why Why their King would choose to be Be a baby born to die
To break the chains Of guilt and sin, To find us here To pull us in So we can join in Heaven's song And with one voice around the throne.
------born to die-------bebo norman-------
This year the purpose and glory of baby Jesus truly hit me. He was the only baby whose sole purpose in being born was so he could die. What a marvelous beautiful gift. It was the greatest way for God to display His love to us. To lower Himself - our King- to become a human baby...the Image of the Invisible God.
The candles lit and lights lowered. Silent Night began to stream from the orchestra and the true magic of Christmas filled the air. Warmth, mercy, and love swept over the entire room. Tears streamed down my cheeks and His light filled my heart. I want to live everyday in that moment.
And the angels filled the sky All of heaven wondered why Why their King would choose to be Be a baby born to die
To break the chains Of guilt and sin, To find us here To pull us in So we can join in Heaven's song And with one voice around the throne.
------born to die-------bebo norman-------
This year the purpose and glory of baby Jesus truly hit me. He was the only baby whose sole purpose in being born was so he could die. What a marvelous beautiful gift. It was the greatest way for God to display His love to us. To lower Himself - our King- to become a human baby...the Image of the Invisible God.
The candles lit and lights lowered. Silent Night began to stream from the orchestra and the true magic of Christmas filled the air. Warmth, mercy, and love swept over the entire room. Tears streamed down my cheeks and His light filled my heart. I want to live everyday in that moment.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
moment to moment
Every love is a journey. Some are a smooth road that you can coast on and others are a mountain to climb. Some are full of hills and valley with many bumps. Some are so boring and void of any scenery and others are making you catch your breath at every twist and turn. But each relationship in your life is a different journey; a different road and path.
This particular journey I am on has been a crazy one. Full of excitement, emotion, new things, disappointments and blessings. It has stretched me to my limits in great ways and some bad ways, but always teaching me I am stronger than I think I am. And my God will never let me go. I have learned a lot about myself and also been aided in becoming a bigger better person not restrained by my own fears, disbelief, or comfort zone.
I stood my ground. And you turned around to me. You surprised me.
"I will not lose you to a website." "Bekah, I love you. I want to have a future with you."
My heart soars in moments like this. But a part of it is leery of believing and trusting completely. But the true me says there is no time in this short life to be leery and not give completely. I have an open heart and I hope I always do no matter how much it goes through, I hope I never become closed or bitter or cold. Because Jesus never did. No matter how much denial, pain, suffering, or cruelty He went through...He never closed His heart to anyone. He was open and giving indefinitely and unconditionally. May I always be a reflection of His light and His love. And may it give me strength to keep going up each hill and enough light to travel through each valley. And when I am on the top may I give Him all the glory.
This particular journey I am on has been a crazy one. Full of excitement, emotion, new things, disappointments and blessings. It has stretched me to my limits in great ways and some bad ways, but always teaching me I am stronger than I think I am. And my God will never let me go. I have learned a lot about myself and also been aided in becoming a bigger better person not restrained by my own fears, disbelief, or comfort zone.
I stood my ground. And you turned around to me. You surprised me.
"I will not lose you to a website." "Bekah, I love you. I want to have a future with you."
My heart soars in moments like this. But a part of it is leery of believing and trusting completely. But the true me says there is no time in this short life to be leery and not give completely. I have an open heart and I hope I always do no matter how much it goes through, I hope I never become closed or bitter or cold. Because Jesus never did. No matter how much denial, pain, suffering, or cruelty He went through...He never closed His heart to anyone. He was open and giving indefinitely and unconditionally. May I always be a reflection of His light and His love. And may it give me strength to keep going up each hill and enough light to travel through each valley. And when I am on the top may I give Him all the glory.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
im broken. you're gone.
"I will send you all the photos,cards, and book..its just too much to throw away."
Is it real? Did you really break my heart 7 days before Christmas?
I woke after 2 hours of sleep, weary. I feel empty, like there is now a large hole in the center of my chest where my heart once rested full. You carved it out and now I have nothing left. I could cry one million tears and still not be done. All I asked for for Christmas...was you. And instead I lost you. Yea, you have hurt me, haven't known how to love me fully, have disappointed me and disrespected me, but I am still in love with you. I forgave you each time and all I wanted was more of you. For you to finally let down your walls, and to open your heart to me and not compare me with your past. Because I finally stood up to you and told you how to treat me and how I felt....You walked away. And left me in a heap on the floor. I can't breathe. Pain sears through my pores. After all this time, how can you end things like this? How can you hurt me so much? Did you ever love me?
I'm broken. You are gone.
The mechanics take over and make me move through the motions. But I am empty, I have no feeling but the hollow pit of my chest and the burning sensation that you are gone. done.
Is it real? Did you really break my heart 7 days before Christmas?
I woke after 2 hours of sleep, weary. I feel empty, like there is now a large hole in the center of my chest where my heart once rested full. You carved it out and now I have nothing left. I could cry one million tears and still not be done. All I asked for for Christmas...was you. And instead I lost you. Yea, you have hurt me, haven't known how to love me fully, have disappointed me and disrespected me, but I am still in love with you. I forgave you each time and all I wanted was more of you. For you to finally let down your walls, and to open your heart to me and not compare me with your past. Because I finally stood up to you and told you how to treat me and how I felt....You walked away. And left me in a heap on the floor. I can't breathe. Pain sears through my pores. After all this time, how can you end things like this? How can you hurt me so much? Did you ever love me?
I'm broken. You are gone.
The mechanics take over and make me move through the motions. But I am empty, I have no feeling but the hollow pit of my chest and the burning sensation that you are gone. done.
Friday, December 18, 2009
empty hearts
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"I have a Christmas gift for you. Please let me know when I can give it to you or drop it by your house. Thanks."
"No thank you. I'm not interested."
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"I'm not driven to love. I can live without it"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can someone turn down a love offering?
And not be 'interested?'
When someone extends their hand and opens their heart offering love without condition, how can you just turn away.
How can someone truly believe they can live without love?
When love makes this world go round. When love is what we were created for. It is our purpose. It should be the driving force behind all of mankind and every decision, action, and every other passion. It all begins with LOVE.
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You both paint so many dark pictures in my head that hang in the hallway of my heart.
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And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16
"I have a Christmas gift for you. Please let me know when I can give it to you or drop it by your house. Thanks."
"No thank you. I'm not interested."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm not driven to love. I can live without it"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can someone turn down a love offering?
And not be 'interested?'
When someone extends their hand and opens their heart offering love without condition, how can you just turn away.
How can someone truly believe they can live without love?
When love makes this world go round. When love is what we were created for. It is our purpose. It should be the driving force behind all of mankind and every decision, action, and every other passion. It all begins with LOVE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You both paint so many dark pictures in my head that hang in the hallway of my heart.
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And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16
Thursday, December 17, 2009
little B
Two years ago, it was just a normal weekday, we were spending time together running around and decided to stop by the pet store. Petland to be exact. Not with any true notions or plans of bringing anything home...just to browse and cuddle and aw over all the cuteness. And then we spotted you. A tiny little soft brown thing with a little tootsie roll tail and beautiful green eyes. We asked to hold you and a little Yorkie. You immediately came to life bouncing all around, jumping, slipping on the ground and trying to wrestle the Yorkie (really just standing on top of it). You were so small but had such huge energy and determination. You made us laugh. You sparked a light in our eyes. And you brought to light that there was an empty place in our lives. We went home and all we could think about and talk about was you. It was 3 weeks until Christmas.
After a couple days and much emptiness in my heart...I returned to petland.
It was December 12,2007 I held you in my arms and you were at peace. I could hold you like a baby on your back and you would just stare up at me with those beautiful green eyes. You were so unique, such a personality for such a tiny creature and all I felt was love. I carried you to my car and as I walked I whispered in your ear, "You're going home. You have a home. I love you." I knew you were special, and that I never wanted to let you go. But I didn't know how monumental you would be in both mine and your Daddy's lives. How you would carve out a space in my heart that only you could fit in.
I put a collar and a bow around your neck and I kissed you and slipped you into a Christmas bag full of tissue papers. You wriggled about and squirmed, poking your head out right as we knocked on the door of Daddy's house. "Surprise!" He was so surprised and happy and excited. You were the best gift he's ever gotten. And the best gift I have ever given. That's when you found your family and we created our connection, our bond. Just the 3 of us.
We named you Bently. The future days saw so many things. You were such a quick learner and so smart. Learning new tricks, so playful and happy, curious and mischievous, an entire ball of Christmas Joy. You became our Baby. And were treated as such :) Spoiled rotten with so much love.
Then there came a day a year and a half later- May 9, 2009 -a day that broke my heart. I had to say goodbye and watch you ride away...very far away. Tears streaming down my face, my heart felt emptiness again. I knew it wouldn't be the same. During the past 7 months a loneliness has set in. My bed misses the warmth of your little body, my mornings are quiet and there is no puppy bounding to wake me up staring into my eyes, no little baby to curl up and cuddle in my arms, no little mouse to make me laugh.
I miss you. I guess it seems silly to feel so much for such a little puppy, but you truly came into my heart and I will never be the same. I love you to the moon.
After a couple days and much emptiness in my heart...I returned to petland.
It was December 12,2007 I held you in my arms and you were at peace. I could hold you like a baby on your back and you would just stare up at me with those beautiful green eyes. You were so unique, such a personality for such a tiny creature and all I felt was love. I carried you to my car and as I walked I whispered in your ear, "You're going home. You have a home. I love you." I knew you were special, and that I never wanted to let you go. But I didn't know how monumental you would be in both mine and your Daddy's lives. How you would carve out a space in my heart that only you could fit in.
I put a collar and a bow around your neck and I kissed you and slipped you into a Christmas bag full of tissue papers. You wriggled about and squirmed, poking your head out right as we knocked on the door of Daddy's house. "Surprise!" He was so surprised and happy and excited. You were the best gift he's ever gotten. And the best gift I have ever given. That's when you found your family and we created our connection, our bond. Just the 3 of us.
We named you Bently. The future days saw so many things. You were such a quick learner and so smart. Learning new tricks, so playful and happy, curious and mischievous, an entire ball of Christmas Joy. You became our Baby. And were treated as such :) Spoiled rotten with so much love.
Then there came a day a year and a half later- May 9, 2009 -a day that broke my heart. I had to say goodbye and watch you ride away...very far away. Tears streaming down my face, my heart felt emptiness again. I knew it wouldn't be the same. During the past 7 months a loneliness has set in. My bed misses the warmth of your little body, my mornings are quiet and there is no puppy bounding to wake me up staring into my eyes, no little baby to curl up and cuddle in my arms, no little mouse to make me laugh.
I miss you. I guess it seems silly to feel so much for such a little puppy, but you truly came into my heart and I will never be the same. I love you to the moon.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
be still
Today I found something on another blog that relates back a couple posts to my blenderful of feelings and not knowing how to handle all of them. It encouraged me. . .I'm not alone in this. Other people are in the exact same place. This is the quote and realization that was on that blog (I am thankful for finding):
Contradictions have always existed in the soul of man. But it is only when we prefer analysis to silence that they become a constant and insoluble problem. We are not meant to resolve all contradictions but to live with them and rise above them and see them in the light of exterior and objective values which make them trivial by comparison.~ Thomas Merton
In other words...stop analyzing. BE STILL. Spend more time in silence with God. Instead of with my own thoughts and opinions. Hand them over to God in prayer. "Lean not on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge HIM.."
Isaiah 30:15 "In returning and rest you shall be saved. In quietness and trust shall be your strength."
Contradictions have always existed in the soul of man. But it is only when we prefer analysis to silence that they become a constant and insoluble problem. We are not meant to resolve all contradictions but to live with them and rise above them and see them in the light of exterior and objective values which make them trivial by comparison.~ Thomas Merton
In other words...stop analyzing. BE STILL. Spend more time in silence with God. Instead of with my own thoughts and opinions. Hand them over to God in prayer. "Lean not on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge HIM.."
Isaiah 30:15 "In returning and rest you shall be saved. In quietness and trust shall be your strength."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
worth discovering.
After all this time, sometimes I wonder if you even know me.
I want to be adored. I'm not asking to be number one. I don't want to be the center of your world (I want that to be God, your family, your goals and dreams) I don't want to be your destination; I want to be your travel partner on the way to our destination..together.
I guess I want you to want to know me. But the sad fact is that you don't even notice that you don't know the little things about me, my past, the things that make up me. The thing is its not that I hide these small details of who I am, I'm just not like you in the fact that its easy to talk about myself, and tell stories of events and people of my life. It takes time, and it takes an open place where I feel safe enough to finally open up and those things finally just kind of come out. It sometimes takes someone taking the time to dig deeper into me to discover me.
You are satisfied with the surface. I want you to care, to be all about me. [is that selfish? It sure feels selfish to put on paper. or is it okay to want your lover to feel that way about you and treat you that way?] To want to know the intimate details of my soul. To dream with me. I want you to be able to recognize when I start to share parts of my soul, and actually listen..not just hurry off the phone- because that hurts. I want to talk about nothing for hours and it really be something. I don't want you to be someone who lives hundreds of miles away from me telling me you have nothing to say to me when you haven't seen me in days and the past week we haven't held a conversation over 40 minutes. But I think...you probably didn't realize that either.
Then you surprise me sometimes and call the next day and apologize for being short or for not calling; and it shows me that maybe you are trying, trying to change, making more of an effort, and my hope lives on. But I still remain longing for that connection. Longing to be adored, desired, and known.
I love you. I truly do. And this love has never been an easy one. It has definitely taught me more that love doesn't change even when you see a person's ugliness. Reality has hit me in the face more than once and the feeling inside of me has not changed. But I do have certain needs and desires. I hope and pray that you can see me. I want to be worth discovering. . .
I want to be adored. I'm not asking to be number one. I don't want to be the center of your world (I want that to be God, your family, your goals and dreams) I don't want to be your destination; I want to be your travel partner on the way to our destination..together.
I guess I want you to want to know me. But the sad fact is that you don't even notice that you don't know the little things about me, my past, the things that make up me. The thing is its not that I hide these small details of who I am, I'm just not like you in the fact that its easy to talk about myself, and tell stories of events and people of my life. It takes time, and it takes an open place where I feel safe enough to finally open up and those things finally just kind of come out. It sometimes takes someone taking the time to dig deeper into me to discover me.
You are satisfied with the surface. I want you to care, to be all about me. [is that selfish? It sure feels selfish to put on paper. or is it okay to want your lover to feel that way about you and treat you that way?] To want to know the intimate details of my soul. To dream with me. I want you to be able to recognize when I start to share parts of my soul, and actually listen..not just hurry off the phone- because that hurts. I want to talk about nothing for hours and it really be something. I don't want you to be someone who lives hundreds of miles away from me telling me you have nothing to say to me when you haven't seen me in days and the past week we haven't held a conversation over 40 minutes. But I think...you probably didn't realize that either.
Then you surprise me sometimes and call the next day and apologize for being short or for not calling; and it shows me that maybe you are trying, trying to change, making more of an effort, and my hope lives on. But I still remain longing for that connection. Longing to be adored, desired, and known.
I love you. I truly do. And this love has never been an easy one. It has definitely taught me more that love doesn't change even when you see a person's ugliness. Reality has hit me in the face more than once and the feeling inside of me has not changed. But I do have certain needs and desires. I hope and pray that you can see me. I want to be worth discovering. . .
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
i never want to be here again.
im scared of the unknown but would rather be ignorant because I think clear knowledge would be more terrifying and I don't think I am strong enough for it yet. But I feel alone. alone with this fear. this secret. haunting me. it sucks.
You know something is wrong. You want me to tell you. You said "tell me so I can help. I dont know so I can't help." But I don't wanna worry you. I don't want you to stress too. So I guess I'll just keep quiet..for now.
I'm just alone. and scared.
God be in control.
You know something is wrong. You want me to tell you. You said "tell me so I can help. I dont know so I can't help." But I don't wanna worry you. I don't want you to stress too. So I guess I'll just keep quiet..for now.
I'm just alone. and scared.
God be in control.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
spark.
O sweet spontaneous
earth how often have
the
doting
fingers of
prurient philosophers pinched
and
poked
thee
, has the naughty thumb
of science prodded
thy
beauty . how
often have religions taken
thee upon their scraggy knees
squeezing and
buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive
gods
(but
true
to the incomparable
couch of death thy
rhythmic
lover
thou answerest
them only with
spring)
e.e.cummings
earth how often have
the
doting
fingers of
prurient philosophers pinched
and
poked
thee
, has the naughty thumb
of science prodded
thy
beauty . how
often have religions taken
thee upon their scraggy knees
squeezing and
buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive
gods
(but
true
to the incomparable
couch of death thy
rhythmic
lover
thou answerest
them only with
spring)
e.e.cummings
overload.
my heart is brimming full of so many emotions, thoughts, and secrets that I feel like once I put it out on paper it will look like either multiple people wrote it, someone suffering with bi-polar disorder, or a crazy person. I am a human blender that somone dumped a bunch of emotions and ideas and secrets and hurts, pains, smiles, and cheer inside and turned it on blend. grind. mix. puree. And here I am....
First of all I will start by saying I am overwhelmed by the Christmas spirit filling the air and I absolutely love it. I have a mistle toe air freshener hanging in my car, glittering lights all over my house, and Christmas music surrounding me and I feel like I'm truly dreaming. I am floating in those moments and I think it is those that will get me through the rest. I am so thankful for the joy, love, and reason why this season feels this way. What a Mighty God I serve.
Darkness is trying so hard to seep in every spare corner and cover me and the loved ones in my life. I have seen, and heard so much of it in these past few weeks it is unbelievable how hard at work the devil is. He is playing off of everyones needs and hurts, he is using our pain causing everyone to stumble. Causing anger. Causing bad decisions.
I have seen a family in such disarray screaming such hatred towards each other, flipping tables, physically lashing out, verbally lashing out..and not knowing that anything was wrong with it, not knowing any other way to respond or relate to one another but by tearing each other down or picking to the point of bombs going off. It was a war-zone.
I have heard of 3 unplanned new lives, and 2 unplanned deaths. All of these occurances destroying hearts and dreams. tearing people apart. Hope dissapates, coldness sets in, darkness tries to cover truth and decieve. Satan turns beautiful gifts into tools to destroy and break but God can turn mistakes into Glory.
I have felt -lost. Searching for direction, holding my eyes open wide and once again I did not come home with clear cut answers, and decisions made, and options given to me placed in my lap. No. I remain in my state of "the in-between," wandering- professionally, careerwise, emotionally, spiritually. And all I want is to be back in that place..to know the feeling of drowning in His love, to have my feet firmly planted in all of these areas...My heart soaring, dreaming, reaching, growing..but my feet planted on My Rock. (The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. - psalm 18:2)
"this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine.
this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine.
this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine, shine, shine...
Let it Shine. "
Even with all of this jumbled up and going on inside of me there is still the solid root of who I am and that is something that no emotions, circumstances, secrets, or thought can ever change. I am ready to keep shining brighter, loving harder and longer and stronger, keep speaking truth to the darkness and even to the lies inside of my own head. Because the little light in me is so strong. He is greater.
First of all I will start by saying I am overwhelmed by the Christmas spirit filling the air and I absolutely love it. I have a mistle toe air freshener hanging in my car, glittering lights all over my house, and Christmas music surrounding me and I feel like I'm truly dreaming. I am floating in those moments and I think it is those that will get me through the rest. I am so thankful for the joy, love, and reason why this season feels this way. What a Mighty God I serve.
Darkness is trying so hard to seep in every spare corner and cover me and the loved ones in my life. I have seen, and heard so much of it in these past few weeks it is unbelievable how hard at work the devil is. He is playing off of everyones needs and hurts, he is using our pain causing everyone to stumble. Causing anger. Causing bad decisions.
I have seen a family in such disarray screaming such hatred towards each other, flipping tables, physically lashing out, verbally lashing out..and not knowing that anything was wrong with it, not knowing any other way to respond or relate to one another but by tearing each other down or picking to the point of bombs going off. It was a war-zone.
I have heard of 3 unplanned new lives, and 2 unplanned deaths. All of these occurances destroying hearts and dreams. tearing people apart. Hope dissapates, coldness sets in, darkness tries to cover truth and decieve. Satan turns beautiful gifts into tools to destroy and break but God can turn mistakes into Glory.
I have felt -lost. Searching for direction, holding my eyes open wide and once again I did not come home with clear cut answers, and decisions made, and options given to me placed in my lap. No. I remain in my state of "the in-between," wandering- professionally, careerwise, emotionally, spiritually. And all I want is to be back in that place..to know the feeling of drowning in His love, to have my feet firmly planted in all of these areas...My heart soaring, dreaming, reaching, growing..but my feet planted on My Rock. (The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. - psalm 18:2)
"this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine.
this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine.
this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine, shine, shine...
Let it Shine. "
Even with all of this jumbled up and going on inside of me there is still the solid root of who I am and that is something that no emotions, circumstances, secrets, or thought can ever change. I am ready to keep shining brighter, loving harder and longer and stronger, keep speaking truth to the darkness and even to the lies inside of my own head. Because the little light in me is so strong. He is greater.
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