overload.

my heart is brimming full of so many emotions, thoughts, and secrets that I feel like once I put it out on paper it will look like either multiple people wrote it, someone suffering with bi-polar disorder, or a crazy person. I am a human blender that somone dumped a bunch of emotions and ideas and secrets and hurts, pains, smiles, and cheer inside and turned it on blend. grind. mix. puree. And here I am....

First of all I will start by saying I am overwhelmed by the Christmas spirit filling the air and I absolutely love it. I have a mistle toe air freshener hanging in my car, glittering lights all over my house, and Christmas music surrounding me and I feel like I'm truly dreaming. I am floating in those moments and I think it is those that will get me through the rest. I am so thankful for the joy, love, and reason why this season feels this way. What a Mighty God I serve.

Darkness is trying so hard to seep in every spare corner and cover me and the loved ones in my life. I have seen, and heard so much of it in these past few weeks it is unbelievable how hard at work the devil is. He is playing off of everyones needs and hurts, he is using our pain causing everyone to stumble. Causing anger. Causing bad decisions.

I have seen a family in such disarray screaming such hatred towards each other, flipping tables, physically lashing out, verbally lashing out..and not knowing that anything was wrong with it, not knowing any other way to respond or relate to one another but by tearing each other down or picking to the point of bombs going off. It was a war-zone.

I have heard of 3 unplanned new lives, and 2 unplanned deaths. All of these occurances destroying hearts and dreams. tearing people apart. Hope dissapates, coldness sets in, darkness tries to cover truth and decieve. Satan turns beautiful gifts into tools to destroy and break but God can turn mistakes into Glory.

I have felt -lost. Searching for direction, holding my eyes open wide and once again I did not come home with clear cut answers, and decisions made, and options given to me placed in my lap. No. I remain in my state of "the in-between," wandering- professionally, careerwise, emotionally, spiritually. And all I want is to be back in that place..to know the feeling of drowning in His love, to have my feet firmly planted in all of these areas...My heart soaring, dreaming, reaching, growing..but my feet planted on My Rock. (The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. - psalm 18:2)

"this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine.
this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine.
this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine, shine, shine...
Let it Shine. "

Even with all of this jumbled up and going on inside of me there is still the solid root of who I am and that is something that no emotions, circumstances, secrets, or thought can ever change. I am ready to keep shining brighter, loving harder and longer and stronger, keep speaking truth to the darkness and even to the lies inside of my own head. Because the little light in me is so strong. He is greater.