the road to healing...

This is a part of my journey I didn't expect. The needing healing part...
But I do. I am in desperate need of Restoration. For the first time in my life I am coming face to face with the giant pains and broken parts of my heart and life. I want to live forgiven and I want to forgive so that I may live. I do not want to be enslaved to the lies inside of my head and heart, my insecurities, and self-hatred. I want to live as a daughter of the King. It hurts so very much but I am clinging to His promises.

But I will RESTORE you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord, because you are called an outcast Zion for whom no one cares. -Jeremiah 30:17

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of despair! - Isaiah 61:1-3

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Through this process I am in the Word, but also using Beth Moore's "So long Insecurity" and Staci and John Eldridge "Captivating". I have also started a healing journal. I am using it as a place to walk along this road leaving bad feelings and messages behind but having a place to release them while I gain new growth, knowledge, comfort, and love.
In Captivating the basic process I have come to see is:

1) Turn from the ways I have sought to save myself. Giving it to God. Allowing Him to come in and heal me and to stop turning to other things. God wants me to run to Him.
"Wherever it is we have sought life apart from Him, He disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which isn't a way at all." Will I allow God to heal me?

2) Renounce the agreements I have made inside myself. Renounce the Lies. And Remember the words from the Spirit of Truth.
- Gosh this one is soooo hard for me! Those lies and messages are burried so deeply within me...more than I ever realized. Why is it easier to believe that I am worthless and unlovable, than to believe that I am captivating and the crown of creation and worthy to be pursued and loved? And no matter how many times I read it or say it to myself it is still a wall up inside. This will be an ongoing battle in the battlefield of my mind.

3) Allow myself to Cry. Release. Anger is ok..it is not a sin. Remorse and Fear are normal. The
comfort I find is that NO emotion I bring is too much for God to handle.
- "Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. I mattered."

4) ForGive.
-"Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling. Feelings take time to heal after the choice is made."
- "Forgiveness says: It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."
-This is another hard one. I want to forgive so much. I Do not want bitterness to set its roots in me and overcome my spirit. But those feelings of anger and hurt come up again and again even after you choose to forgive...I'm still working through this one. But I do Desire to Forgive. I have NO right not to. Christ forgave me. And...... No occassion justifies hatred, no injustice warrants bitterness.. I choose love.

3.31.10 Surrounded by laughter.

baby.dolly parton. MM. robo-boot. my country girl. barbara walters. ms. sweet. baby-cakes. mama.

dancing in the kitchen in the middle of the night.

Hot Rod and coffee-table pong.

silly faces.

crazy dances.

indoor pool training.

wrestling matches.

jiu-jitsu 101.

Ryan.

6 years ago today.
You decided to go home.
You decided you were too tired and were ready for some peace.
I can only imagine what was going through your mind and heart...

How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
BUT I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.     -Psalm 13

So many things I wish...
That you had called.
That you were here today.

6 yrs..I thought maybe there wouldn't be any tears but...time doesn't fill the hole you left in my heart. I came and sat with you for a while, like I always do. And tears flowed. You are always on my mind and always in my heart. I carry you with me. You will never be forgotten...

one of those days.

Breathe. in. and out.

Its just one of those days, the ones that come around at least once every month sometimes more often sometimes a little less. Where every little thing must go wrong. Where each part of you- Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Financially- is either hurting or exhausted. When all you have the strength to do is breathe. Breathe, and know that this too will pass.

God please let it be soon...

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

I woke up today and in the stillness of the early morning I wondered what the world must have felt like the morning after Christ was crucified. I wonder if the disciples could even sleep that night or if they spent the whole night weeping, overwhelmed by emotion, with the promises of Jesus still ringing in their ears. . . .

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in Me." John 14:1

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see Me anymore, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will also live. On that day you will realize that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you." John 14:18-20

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"Now remain in my love." John 14:9

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that you joy may be complete." John 14:11

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

It must have been heart wrenching and confusing. To hear all those promises and to not believe the horror theirs eyes beheld, but instead to have faith, to trust, and believe in the promises on the darkest of all nights. I am in awe and humbled by our Saviors beauty. IN the midst of His greatest trial and turmoil and glory, He offered comfort to His people. He was honest with them- that they would mourn, but promised He would turn it to Joy. He wanted them to Rest In Peace, Rest in Hope; because He has overcome.

That day between His death and resurrection must have felt like eternity. One day for their faith to grow. One day for them to trust in His word and believe He would be back. What a loving Savior to make it only one day to wait for His resurrection.

I watched the Passion of the Christ last night since I could not make it to a Good Friday service. I have made it a tradition to watch this once a year (and usually at Easter). It is so hard to watch, but I think that we should be faced with the horror Christ endured to save our souls. We should be reminded of it every single day- to live in that humility and gratitude. How we owe Him our everything.

When I survey the wonderous cross, on which the Prince of Glory died. My richest gain I count but loss, and pour contempt on all my pride...

Were the whole relm of nature mine, that were a present far too small, Love so amazing so divine- Demands my soul, my life, my All.

may 9, 2009

***
As I stood in the familiar parking lot, the one that held so many memories from the 20 months prior to this day...memories of kisses in the moonlight, walks with little B, long conversations, car breakdowns, keys locked in cars, notes on windshields, the feeling of arriving home...I leaned against my car and as the wind swept by me, tears streamed down my face as I watched you drive away.
***

You had it in you. The power to leave me behind. To walk away with the possiblity of the door closing behind you. I understand you needed to look out for you, and face your past; I have always wanted you to do what is best for yourself and not let me hinder you or be a stumbling block to that. But, deep inside I wonder, how could you leave me? And would you do it again? Does that mean that later in life you could walk out again if an easier path was offered to you? It just makes me wonder...


***
"What now?" I asked myself. I was alone. My two closest comfort and companions were now gone and I was left with an empty space where they once fit. A space nothing else could fill or suffice. The quietness settled around me and I was left there in that parking lot with all of our memories surrounding me. When all I wanted was the nearness of you...
***

Tetelestai.

This is the message our Christ proclaimed in His last breath.

"Tetelestai."

"It is Finished."
Not a cry of resignation, but of: accomplishment and completion.
The purpose has been fulfilled!

...with a loud cry, Jesus breathed His last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom." -Mark 15:37-38
Wow. So many messages held within those two verses. His human life ended with a LOUD cry. Not a whimper, or a soft weak voice, but a strong, loud cry. And the curtain was torn. He ended the separation between God and man, he gave us the gift to come before the throne of Almighty God face to face. Not to have to send a message through the high priest, or stand on the other side of a curtain and wonder what our God is like and how He would communicate. He torn apart the curtain, the physical and symbolic separation of God and man and he brought us to Himself.

What is so beautiful about Tetelestai is that for forever sin has been atoned for. We never again have to make a physical deathly sacrifice to cover our sins. Christ never needs to die again, the first time worked! :) that is truly what it means that death is defeated. And how thankful I am that our Lords last loud cry was Tetelestai!

I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and enjoying every moment of being brought to my knees this Easter Season. May God continue to humble my heart and open my eyes to His indescribable, incomprehensible, all-atoning, redeeming love.

PolarBear swimming

***

"You wanna go for a swim?"
"But I don't have a suit, and its gonna be freezing..:)"
"You can borrow some clothes..come on. Its called PolarBear swimming."
"okay."
Hand in hand, around the curve and up the hill lit by the parking lot street lights, an empty pool waits for us.
The frozen dark water is shocking but you wrap me in your arms and the warmth of your body surrounds me as we float under the stars.
"I will never forget this."
"Me either."

***

a new day.

I am so glad this weekend is over. Today was a complete gift; a new shining day. I woke up and pulled my aching body and tired heart out from under the covers, stepped into the present, and decided not to look behind me anymore. Its too utterly frightening and so stressful I am pushed to the edge, ready to vomit. I was approached with quite possibly one of the worst (to my lifes date) scenarios this weekend. And when the news reached my ears, my stomach plumated to my feet and my body shook incontrollably. It is true that only the one you love can betray you or hurt you the most. I do not know the truth in this moment, but I choose to move forward.

The who has the power to lift you up and make your whole world turn, is the one who has the power to crush your heart and make your world come to a complete stop.

humbled by His grace.

I have been struggling in my soul lately. There are so many things I want and need to change about myself. A person inside me who I do not recognize and who I do not want to be: a jealous girlfriend, an angry person, a nagging woman, an insecure female, bitter, and selfish. And then the issue, which all of those are truly wrapped up in, but the battle between the flesh and the spirit. I think the problem has been I have been trying to "fix myself"...all by myself. And if I continue I will never change, and I want to change so badly. Well, I am reading my 6th book of the year or so- BLUE LIKE JAZZ by Dondald Miller and God definitely spoke to me today through it.

"If I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His Love. Our behavior will not be changed long with self- discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. In exchange for our humilty and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is far better than a proud man's delusion."

So there is my answer. Do not rely on my own strength or self-discipline to become who I want to be, and to make the great change of heart and character. No, simply Focus on falling in love with my God and in return He will change my heart and my character will reflect His love. "I love because he first loved me."

What a mighty God I serve. I am humbled by His grace.

unfinished..

Well, it has been quite some time. So many things I have wanted and needed to share and record here but have been too exhausted mostly to write them. Its funny, the last post was when it was snowing...well it has snowed again in ga! :) It is utterly breathtaking. I walked out from work and the world was truly transformed. It looked like Narnia. I am in love. *sigh* Something about snow that does something to my heart. It was a lot more snow this time and it clung to every branch. I am thankful.

So a couple things here to discuss. New years resolutions are coming along very well. I finished two more books since I have written last and am on my fourth book of the year. I will discuss each of those in detail at a later post. God has been very faithful to help me be consistent with my devotions. He has given me a hunger for spiritual food even more than physical food. And I am learning a lot. His word carries me through each day and truly has been feeding my soul...

home church.

I went to house church today at the Gays. I absolutely loved it. It was just what I needed. I think I will start going. For this season of my life I think it is the exact place for me to grow. It will force me to be transparent and vulnerable before God which I guess without realizing it...I haven't been completely. It is a beautiful small group of people who are real and honest with themselves and each other about their battlescars and current struggles. They lift one another up and discuss things they don't quite understand. I love it. I am so thankful God has brought me here.

The snow is falling in georgia. softly, silently, falling.
It has something to say but it says it so quietly without words.
It covers the earth in stillness and somewhat a beautiful sadness about it.

I am at such an unrest within myself. I am unhappy within my own skin right now.
I feel fat, and ugly, my skin isn't right, my body feels huge, my eyes are infected forcing me to wear glasses and covering my face. I feel insecure and want to hide under a rock. Along with it I am gettin sick, my throat hurts and I am getting a cough. I hope it goes away before my trip next week.

I just want to feel...special. Taken care of.

"love the one you're with"

"Yes, we were young, but in some ways, young love seems the most robust and idealistic, untarnished by everyday hardships."

"But thats what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."

"I think of how life takes unexpected twists and turns, sometimes through sheer happenstance...sometimes through calculated decision..In the end, it can all be called fate, but to me, it is more a matter of faith."

"...no two loves are identical-but you don't have to compare anymore."

"LOVE is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, the ties that bind us together."
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I just finished my first book of the new year. It is called: "love the one you're with" By Emily Giffin. It was so good. One thing I loved about it was the locations. It took place in New York City and Buckhead, Atlanta. (Two of my favorite cities that inhabit my heart!) The story is about a woman who is in a perfect relationship/marriage but then after bumping into an ex begins struggling with the question: "How can I truly love the one I am with when I can't forget the one who got away?" What she learns in the end is that sometimes, you have to do whatever it takes to be with the one you love. It is a raw and realistic dilemma that so many people face everyday. The profound truths that come out of it are so beautiful. The quotes above are my favorite...especially the last one. As I have always believed- Love is a Choice. Every single day. Even when you don't feel it, or things suck, you keep choosing to love and stay commited. That is what makes it so beautiful, so rare to find, that kind of love IS what makes this world go around. Not lust, not momentary satisfation, not the butterflies in the stomach, or the incontrollable passion that one can feel...No, it is the constancy, the standing firm throughout the storms and trials. That is why I can whole heartedly believe that "LOVE NEVER FAILS."