Seeking. Yearning. Learning. Stretching.
I am at a crossroads in my life and I am anxious to begin the next leg of my journey. I guess its only normal to feel lost and look around me in all directions not knowing which way to turn just seeing many different roads all with unknown destinations. Its exciting. Scary, unnerving, sometimes unbearably annoying, but also very exciting.
I have graduated college. 8 months ago now. (Wow, that seems like only yesterday.) And now don't know where I want to go next. I do have dreams and desires--I think too many and thats why I am having such a hard time choosing which ones to follow, and pursue, and make into realities. I struggle constantly with feelings of inadequacy and disbelief in myself. I have come to realize it is Satan's plan to tear me down and be the stumbling block for those dreams to grow wings. I am in a waiting zone. While trying to figure out what the heck to do with my life. God is having my wait. Maybe the reason is to figure me out first. Well just a little so I'm more prepared, more stable? Basically what I am trying to say is that during this waiting maybe I need to heal parts that I might not know (or want to acknowledge) are hurt. Learn to believe in myself a little but even more...Believe in My Creator.
-I am seeking direction, wisdom, guidance, encouragement.
-I am yearning to break away from the comfortable, from Woodstock Ga, yearning for love and adventure and excitment and LiFe!
-I am learning..oh so much each and everyday. How to be strong, how to be a warrior, a lot about joy, a lot about patience, and pain.
-I am stretching myself. To go to places that aren't within the comfort zone, to try new things, to be a bigger better me.
"I can change myself, I can change the world."
-Gloria Anzaldua
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
thats life.
It has been a very defining week. I am now at a crossroads now more than ever. And I am learning that "champions pray in the dark." Every single thing in this earthly world and life will inevitably let you down all the more reason to be reminded that we will fade like a flower but that the word of the Lord is eternal- forever. He wants to remind us to not focus on this world but to keep our eyes, minds, goals, dreams, and hearts on the ETERNAL world to come.
It all started with my clutch going out the week Joey gets here. So now we have been carless, with no way to get to work much less do anything fun. And now costing me $550 that I do not have. Then as you read in my previous post, my dear friend Michael Boyd was taken home to heaven abrubtly.
And then Joey- my dear love, that can rock my world or crush it. He made some very bad decisions and made this weekend even more of a disaster. The pieces now being picked up..decisions lingering in the air. I nearly suffacate from my swollen heart.
Where do I go next?
It all started with my clutch going out the week Joey gets here. So now we have been carless, with no way to get to work much less do anything fun. And now costing me $550 that I do not have. Then as you read in my previous post, my dear friend Michael Boyd was taken home to heaven abrubtly.
And then Joey- my dear love, that can rock my world or crush it. He made some very bad decisions and made this weekend even more of a disaster. The pieces now being picked up..decisions lingering in the air. I nearly suffacate from my swollen heart.
Where do I go next?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
life is fleeting.
I wake up this morning and breathe in.
I become aware of every sensation and feeling surrounding me...the air on my skin, my muscles and their pain and movement, the feeling of standing straight up on solid ground..and I remember that someone I love now did not wake up with these same sensations. Yesterday they did not know it would be their last morning to open their eyes. And I am slapped in the face with life's reality-that it is risky, un-guaranteed, and a twisted gift.
It is hard to smile. A flood of emotions and questions overwhelm me. Anger, hurt, heartache, longing, sadness..why? So young. Did he really complete his purpose for this world already? Why at 20 years old, and why in such an abrubt, painful, traumatic way?
It is hard to continue with life knowing someone I love..isn't.
It is hard to see God thru this. Its impossible to comprehend that this is part of some greater plan. To hold onto the idea that God is in control even when things look like utter chaos. I'm trying to see it thru Gods eyes not my own. But I am weak.
All I know is that life- this twisted gift, is something that every single person takes for granted everyday. We think that it is guaranteed, and expected, and that we deserve every day to live and continue and we forget that Someone else put us here. Instead every morning we should wake up suprised and excited that we were blessed with another chance, another day to strive. Because life slips by you, it is so quick, so unplanned. Live for today and don't waste one moment. Life is fleeting...
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."
-James 4:14
Rest in Sweet Peace-- Michael Boyd.
I become aware of every sensation and feeling surrounding me...the air on my skin, my muscles and their pain and movement, the feeling of standing straight up on solid ground..and I remember that someone I love now did not wake up with these same sensations. Yesterday they did not know it would be their last morning to open their eyes. And I am slapped in the face with life's reality-that it is risky, un-guaranteed, and a twisted gift.
It is hard to smile. A flood of emotions and questions overwhelm me. Anger, hurt, heartache, longing, sadness..why? So young. Did he really complete his purpose for this world already? Why at 20 years old, and why in such an abrubt, painful, traumatic way?
It is hard to continue with life knowing someone I love..isn't.
It is hard to see God thru this. Its impossible to comprehend that this is part of some greater plan. To hold onto the idea that God is in control even when things look like utter chaos. I'm trying to see it thru Gods eyes not my own. But I am weak.
All I know is that life- this twisted gift, is something that every single person takes for granted everyday. We think that it is guaranteed, and expected, and that we deserve every day to live and continue and we forget that Someone else put us here. Instead every morning we should wake up suprised and excited that we were blessed with another chance, another day to strive. Because life slips by you, it is so quick, so unplanned. Live for today and don't waste one moment. Life is fleeting...
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."
-James 4:14
Rest in Sweet Peace-- Michael Boyd.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
my favorite feeling.
My baby is here with me again...and all feels right in my world.
I can't even begin to express the feeling that I get when I see him after our time apart. When I went to visit him in Chicago we hadn't seen each other in 2 and a half months...the feeling was intoxicating. When my eyes found him and he held me for the first time it was indescribable. A warmth and comfort washed over me; a joy from deep within rose and a yearning was finally met. There is nothing like it. Just to look at him- when my eyes have missed his face and smile for so long. Its a beautiful strange feeling to finally have him in front of me again.
Well now he has come back to me. 3 weeks was the distance in between this time. Much easier to handle than 10 weeks. I waited at Hartsfield to see my love and bring him home with me. I arrived early because I did not know where I was going and wanted to leave room for getting lost. But then got his call when he should have been half way, here telling me his flight was delayed. I then waited for 3 hours. Standing at arrivals is such a wonderful, entertaining, and exciting place. Where so many loved ones are joined again. Friends, family, lovers, soliders, co-workers..everyone has their story. Embraces, kisses, some tears...I stood there people watching and wondering each story there. Just waiting to see the face I love so much come up the escalator and find my eyes. (He always spots me first) Finally, I see him--the wait was well worth it. We take our time and embrace, and he kisses me so sweet. Just soaking up the moment and enjoying the small mere gift to be in one another's arms again.
After we started this journey of our relationship transforming into a long-distance-relationship after being together for one yr. and 9 months, I learned to appreciate so much more. Its like your eyes are opened to all the seemingly small things that you didn't think much of when you see each other everyday. I learned that the things that start to mean the most and touch you deepest are often the small things. Holding hands, a glance, a smile, a wink, a back rub, cooking together, laughing together, just sitting in silence feeling the warmth of him sitting beside me. The comfort of his arm around me, the reassurance of his hugs, so many things that can't be measured. I am just reminded to appreciate every single moment. Big and little. To soak it up and record it in my heart and head and hold tight to it for the weak moments where I can let the memory wash over me and get me thru until the next time.
I can't even begin to express the feeling that I get when I see him after our time apart. When I went to visit him in Chicago we hadn't seen each other in 2 and a half months...the feeling was intoxicating. When my eyes found him and he held me for the first time it was indescribable. A warmth and comfort washed over me; a joy from deep within rose and a yearning was finally met. There is nothing like it. Just to look at him- when my eyes have missed his face and smile for so long. Its a beautiful strange feeling to finally have him in front of me again.
Well now he has come back to me. 3 weeks was the distance in between this time. Much easier to handle than 10 weeks. I waited at Hartsfield to see my love and bring him home with me. I arrived early because I did not know where I was going and wanted to leave room for getting lost. But then got his call when he should have been half way, here telling me his flight was delayed. I then waited for 3 hours. Standing at arrivals is such a wonderful, entertaining, and exciting place. Where so many loved ones are joined again. Friends, family, lovers, soliders, co-workers..everyone has their story. Embraces, kisses, some tears...I stood there people watching and wondering each story there. Just waiting to see the face I love so much come up the escalator and find my eyes. (He always spots me first) Finally, I see him--the wait was well worth it. We take our time and embrace, and he kisses me so sweet. Just soaking up the moment and enjoying the small mere gift to be in one another's arms again.
After we started this journey of our relationship transforming into a long-distance-relationship after being together for one yr. and 9 months, I learned to appreciate so much more. Its like your eyes are opened to all the seemingly small things that you didn't think much of when you see each other everyday. I learned that the things that start to mean the most and touch you deepest are often the small things. Holding hands, a glance, a smile, a wink, a back rub, cooking together, laughing together, just sitting in silence feeling the warmth of him sitting beside me. The comfort of his arm around me, the reassurance of his hugs, so many things that can't be measured. I am just reminded to appreciate every single moment. Big and little. To soak it up and record it in my heart and head and hold tight to it for the weak moments where I can let the memory wash over me and get me thru until the next time.
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