***
As I stood in the familiar parking lot, the one that held so many memories from the 20 months prior to this day...memories of kisses in the moonlight, walks with little B, long conversations, car breakdowns, keys locked in cars, notes on windshields, the feeling of arriving home...I leaned against my car and as the wind swept by me, tears streamed down my face as I watched you drive away.
***
You had it in you. The power to leave me behind. To walk away with the possiblity of the door closing behind you. I understand you needed to look out for you, and face your past; I have always wanted you to do what is best for yourself and not let me hinder you or be a stumbling block to that. But, deep inside I wonder, how could you leave me? And would you do it again? Does that mean that later in life you could walk out again if an easier path was offered to you? It just makes me wonder...
***
"What now?" I asked myself. I was alone. My two closest comfort and companions were now gone and I was left with an empty space where they once fit. A space nothing else could fill or suffice. The quietness settled around me and I was left there in that parking lot with all of our memories surrounding me. When all I wanted was the nearness of you...
***
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tetelestai.
This is the message our Christ proclaimed in His last breath.
"Tetelestai."
"It is Finished."
Not a cry of resignation, but of: accomplishment and completion.
The purpose has been fulfilled!
...with a loud cry, Jesus breathed His last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom." -Mark 15:37-38
Wow. So many messages held within those two verses. His human life ended with a LOUD cry. Not a whimper, or a soft weak voice, but a strong, loud cry. And the curtain was torn. He ended the separation between God and man, he gave us the gift to come before the throne of Almighty God face to face. Not to have to send a message through the high priest, or stand on the other side of a curtain and wonder what our God is like and how He would communicate. He torn apart the curtain, the physical and symbolic separation of God and man and he brought us to Himself.
What is so beautiful about Tetelestai is that for forever sin has been atoned for. We never again have to make a physical deathly sacrifice to cover our sins. Christ never needs to die again, the first time worked! :) that is truly what it means that death is defeated. And how thankful I am that our Lords last loud cry was Tetelestai!
I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and enjoying every moment of being brought to my knees this Easter Season. May God continue to humble my heart and open my eyes to His indescribable, incomprehensible, all-atoning, redeeming love.
"Tetelestai."
"It is Finished."
Not a cry of resignation, but of: accomplishment and completion.
The purpose has been fulfilled!
...with a loud cry, Jesus breathed His last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom." -Mark 15:37-38
Wow. So many messages held within those two verses. His human life ended with a LOUD cry. Not a whimper, or a soft weak voice, but a strong, loud cry. And the curtain was torn. He ended the separation between God and man, he gave us the gift to come before the throne of Almighty God face to face. Not to have to send a message through the high priest, or stand on the other side of a curtain and wonder what our God is like and how He would communicate. He torn apart the curtain, the physical and symbolic separation of God and man and he brought us to Himself.
What is so beautiful about Tetelestai is that for forever sin has been atoned for. We never again have to make a physical deathly sacrifice to cover our sins. Christ never needs to die again, the first time worked! :) that is truly what it means that death is defeated. And how thankful I am that our Lords last loud cry was Tetelestai!
I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and enjoying every moment of being brought to my knees this Easter Season. May God continue to humble my heart and open my eyes to His indescribable, incomprehensible, all-atoning, redeeming love.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
PolarBear swimming
***
"You wanna go for a swim?"
"But I don't have a suit, and its gonna be freezing..:)"
"You can borrow some clothes..come on. Its called PolarBear swimming."
"okay."
Hand in hand, around the curve and up the hill lit by the parking lot street lights, an empty pool waits for us.
The frozen dark water is shocking but you wrap me in your arms and the warmth of your body surrounds me as we float under the stars.
"I will never forget this."
"Me either."
***
"You wanna go for a swim?"
"But I don't have a suit, and its gonna be freezing..:)"
"You can borrow some clothes..come on. Its called PolarBear swimming."
"okay."
Hand in hand, around the curve and up the hill lit by the parking lot street lights, an empty pool waits for us.
The frozen dark water is shocking but you wrap me in your arms and the warmth of your body surrounds me as we float under the stars.
"I will never forget this."
"Me either."
***
Monday, March 8, 2010
a new day.
I am so glad this weekend is over. Today was a complete gift; a new shining day. I woke up and pulled my aching body and tired heart out from under the covers, stepped into the present, and decided not to look behind me anymore. Its too utterly frightening and so stressful I am pushed to the edge, ready to vomit. I was approached with quite possibly one of the worst (to my lifes date) scenarios this weekend. And when the news reached my ears, my stomach plumated to my feet and my body shook incontrollably. It is true that only the one you love can betray you or hurt you the most. I do not know the truth in this moment, but I choose to move forward.
The who has the power to lift you up and make your whole world turn, is the one who has the power to crush your heart and make your world come to a complete stop.
The who has the power to lift you up and make your whole world turn, is the one who has the power to crush your heart and make your world come to a complete stop.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
humbled by His grace.
I have been struggling in my soul lately. There are so many things I want and need to change about myself. A person inside me who I do not recognize and who I do not want to be: a jealous girlfriend, an angry person, a nagging woman, an insecure female, bitter, and selfish. And then the issue, which all of those are truly wrapped up in, but the battle between the flesh and the spirit. I think the problem has been I have been trying to "fix myself"...all by myself. And if I continue I will never change, and I want to change so badly. Well, I am reading my 6th book of the year or so- BLUE LIKE JAZZ by Dondald Miller and God definitely spoke to me today through it.
"If I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His Love. Our behavior will not be changed long with self- discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. In exchange for our humilty and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is far better than a proud man's delusion."
So there is my answer. Do not rely on my own strength or self-discipline to become who I want to be, and to make the great change of heart and character. No, simply Focus on falling in love with my God and in return He will change my heart and my character will reflect His love. "I love because he first loved me."
What a mighty God I serve. I am humbled by His grace.
"If I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His Love. Our behavior will not be changed long with self- discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. In exchange for our humilty and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is far better than a proud man's delusion."
So there is my answer. Do not rely on my own strength or self-discipline to become who I want to be, and to make the great change of heart and character. No, simply Focus on falling in love with my God and in return He will change my heart and my character will reflect His love. "I love because he first loved me."
What a mighty God I serve. I am humbled by His grace.
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