You left again- you coward. Why…I don’t ask anymore. Again. And you wondered why I wouldn’t let you close. Crazy. Straight. Gay. You decide yet? Or no. you want me to make you straight…no. that’s not the way it works here. I am not The Way. In one breath [the same breath] you paint my beauty with your words and admire [lust] after my boyfriend. I am disgusted. I know you completely yet don’t know you at all. Who is this man [being, imposter]? My best friend, once thought soul friend, all eternal. But all eternal does not engrave pain on your heart in such a way. All eternal does not betray you; abandon you time and time and time again. Because all eternal would mean to remain.
I can understand the fact of losing your self. Finding yourself….well the whole idea of looking for yourself and trying to figure out who the hell you are. Of maybe even needing help, support, guidance…or guard rails along the way [sometimes bumping against, sometimes scraping, bruising, grinding, bending] and that’s what friends are for and that’s what I was willing to be…but not to be the doormat you stamped your feet upon each time you wound up frustrated at the results in your face.
The words I write in my head each night before I fall asleep flow so much more freely; they are beautiful and raw. They fall out of my mouth and bounce off my pillow out into no where and I don’t take one moment to write them down and then they disappear and only my walls ever hear them. Why? Why waste the time; for what? For who?
You are gone.
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