humbled by His grace.

I have been struggling in my soul lately. There are so many things I want and need to change about myself. A person inside me who I do not recognize and who I do not want to be: a jealous girlfriend, an angry person, a nagging woman, an insecure female, bitter, and selfish. And then the issue, which all of those are truly wrapped up in, but the battle between the flesh and the spirit. I think the problem has been I have been trying to "fix myself"...all by myself. And if I continue I will never change, and I want to change so badly. Well, I am reading my 6th book of the year or so- BLUE LIKE JAZZ by Dondald Miller and God definitely spoke to me today through it.

"If I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His Love. Our behavior will not be changed long with self- discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. In exchange for our humilty and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is far better than a proud man's delusion."

So there is my answer. Do not rely on my own strength or self-discipline to become who I want to be, and to make the great change of heart and character. No, simply Focus on falling in love with my God and in return He will change my heart and my character will reflect His love. "I love because he first loved me."

What a mighty God I serve. I am humbled by His grace.